The four important ingredients of friendship - Written by Corinne ...

"Without the human community, one single human being cannot survive."? - The Dalai Lama.

I wish I could tell you that I'm an authority on relationships and that all my relationships are doing wonderfully well. But I"m no expert - just a learner like everyone else.

When I was younger I would be really upset if even one of my relationships was not going the way I thought it should. But as I'm growing older, I realize that I'm learning about life in equal measure from my relationships that are going well, as from those that are floundering or even dead....

Just recently I had a rather unpleasant experience with regard to a friendship. This person had behaved rather inappropriately and when I told her what I thought of her behaviour, she said, "I don't make rules for my friends", implying, perhaps, that I did.

These are some of the questions that this experience raised in my mind:

1. Are there no rules in friendship?

2. What is important to me in a friendship?

3. Is it okay to allow people to control or manipulate me in the name of friendship?
The more I thought about the 'rules' of friendship, the more I realized that there were indeed some things I value and cannot compromise on in a friendship.

So here's my list of?the four non-negotiables in a friendship:

1. Respect

2. Honesty and Authenticity

3. Thoughtfulness

4. Trust

1. Respect - It goes without saying, that if I am to be a good friend, I must have a great deal of respect for myself. If I don't respect myself, I might compromise my values and beliefs in order to please a my friends.

Between two people, there can be no real friendship unless it is based on mutual respect. From my experience, once I lose respect for someone in a relationship, it's very hard to continue to be a true friend. Not for nothing did the famous Cicero say : He removes the greatest ornament of friendship, who takes away from it respect.

Unfortunately, we often control our friends without realizing that we are denying them freedom. Create space in your relationship - let your friend be who she/he is and you be who you are. Give your friend space in her other relationships and give her room to grow.

2. Honesty and Authenticity - This is another very important ingredient in any relationship. I'm not talking about the bare-all kind of honesty that makes the other person feel uncomfortable. Rather, I'm talking about revealing your true self to your friend, devoid of a mask. In an attempt to be popular and pleasing to our friends we often hide behind masks.

Being honest means that I am comfortable to share my feelings and opinions with a friend, even if that might offend the other at times. "We all need friends with whom we can speak of our deepest concerns, and who do not fear to speak the truth in love to us." - Margaret Guenther

Being authentic means that I dare to take the initiative in self-revelation. This will lead to a deepening of our friendship as it might encourage my friend to reveal himself to me. As Winnie the Pooh said: "You can't stay in your corner of the forest waiting for others to come to you. You have to go to them sometimes."

3. Thoughtfulness - I think that this is a very important, but often overlooked aspect of friendship. For example, your friend makes you a good meal and you visibly enjoy it - but don't thank her and then sit around and watch television while she slaves over the dishes. If you cannot be kind and thoughtful to someone, then stop calling them your friend.

Don't take your friend's thoughtfulness and hospitality for granted. Say 'please' and 'thank you'. Compliment the other person sincerely; tell him what he means to you and what is it about him that makes him special to you. As George Eliot said: "I like not only to be loved, but also to be told that I am loved."If you feel your friend is going through a tough time with something, don't sit around waiting to be asked for help. Offer your support in a non-intrusive manner.

4. Trust - If you can't be trusted with your friend's secrets and confidences - once again, don't bother to call her your friend. If you want your friend's trust then you have to be trustworthy. And you feel that you always have to look over your shoulder with your friend, in case she takes advantage of you, then she's not worth having as a friend.

True friends are not easy to make or easy to keep, but it's certainly worthwhile making friends, and taking the trouble to nurture friendship - for without our friends what would we be?

"The bird - a nest

the spider - a web

the human = friendship." - William Blake

Article written by Corinne Rodrigues on invitation as a guest writer. The?article has been?previewed by the editorial team?and was initially?published? on our web journal in August 2010. Please take some time and visit Corinne's blog :? http://www.everydaygyaan.com/? (About everyday matters because every day matters)
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"Happy Friendship Day" - From all the members of Torch Bearers team.

Source: http://www.torch-kindlers.com/2012/08/the-four-important-ingredients-of.html

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